Remember the plan? I do. You can read that one if you want. That post comes up a lot when I am writing about my current activities. The reason is obvious I think; because things haven’t coasted along that outline very well. And if you remember, I said I didn’t mind if things changed. Which was/is true…sometimes though, I have been upset with myself for not living up to my multi-year plan. I have been really struggling with the midwifery internship idea. Which sounds oh-so-college-aged to me. I looked at myself, this girl, who vowed she was to be a midwife in the next 3 years, who claimed she knew God wanted that for her, and now is unsure and I said “Are you kidding me? You are such a cliché emotional rollercoaster! I can’t believe you are doubting again…maybe you should lock yourself up for 6 years until your brain is fully developed? And maybe your heart by then will stop fluttering from dream to dream? Why are you so stupid? You place your feelings as higher and more righteous than others your age, but you still are just as confused as the rest of the generation! You still cry and lock yourself in the bathroom when you think no one cares, you still pretend it’s all okay when inside you’re a mess, you still screw up your priorities and allow yourself to slide back into gluttony and dreaming of ‘true love’ when you’ve already said you’re trusting God. You continue to look at the world’s problems and think it’s all hopeless and use that as an excuse to do nothing…you’re an overly emotional girl who will probably never get it right. And you’re trapped in this mind-game. I’m twisting you in circles.” Somewhere along there, that voice turns into the guilt dropping voice of Satan. I’ve felt like curling up and sleeping forever a lot these last few weeks. But sometime in there, I asked a friend thru a text to pray God would soften my heart again, and funny thing, as soon as I asked her that, I realized how I could just decide right then and there to get up and keep going. 🙂 So, I let Him soften my heart again.
So, I just wanted to let ya’ll know, I am going back to Village Creek Bible Camp. I realized while I was there for a great staff retreat, that I had really been needing that place. I just stopped and looked around a few times, on my walks from the dining hall, to the lodge, to the activity center, to the creek, and I was just like “Yeah, I love this place. Why can’t life always be like this?”. That’s kinda the thing most people say when they go to VCBC – and many other camps I bet.
When I left school, I said I wanted to go intern soon. Maybe with my friend in Alaska, or someplace in the Midwest.
But I decided I don’t want to do that right now.
I want to go to camp and serve and chill and know that I’m loving people and using my hands and sometimes words to do that. I miss it. I didn’t know that one summer would leave me with that feeling.
So, I am going back for awhile. 🙂 I head there in February. And I’m really excited. Some things just feel right when you’re doing them. You know, when you don’t feel a hint of doubt? That’s how I feel right now. And it’s a God-feeling. I feel like we agree fine on this – right now. Who knows what the future holds? Stop worrying about the future, and just do the day. I guess that’s where I’m at.